ACTION MAKES

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Wavelength made a mistake this month. We sent rookie reporter Trevor Coleman into an interview with Action Makes unprepared. “Look,” we should have said to him, “These guys are experienced rock stars. They’ve played with bands like The Constantines and The Organ. They’ve played in the biggest clubs in Toronto and Montreal! They’ll chew you up and spit you out like a piece of tendon from their Swiss Chalet.” But instead we let him wander into the lion’s den unprepared. And worse, we let him borrow Matt Blair’s tape recorder. We don’t know what happened, but it sounds like he got drunk with Clint Rogerson (vocals, guitar), Noel Fenn (vocals, guitar), Andrew Stoeten (additional vocals, keyboards), Brian Boase (drums), his girlfriend Marisa, and some guy named Mike. When he stumbled in on the morning after the interview, covered in sand and reeking of stale beer, he wouldn’t speak to any of the Wavelength staff and refused to write the article. We did, however manage to steal the tape during one of his frequent crying fits. It was barely playable, but this is what we got from it.

Action makes plays music like no one’s ever heard.

Noel: Woah man! I think you’re on to something.

I can’t even relate it to another band!

Noel: Keep riffing…

Ok I will. These dudes are solid. 

Noel: Ohhh that’s a good one.

[Loud music, voices indistinguishable]

Voice 2: …turn up that GUITAR!

Voice 1: …booking a club now… a show sometime…

Voice 3:
Ooohhhh

[screams and shouts]

Voice 4 (female): I don’t care I want to run him over.

Voice 5: Shit get in the car! No, back! Forward! GO GO!

Voice 3: Just SHOOT HIM! SHOOT HIM!

Voice 4: Oh no! I blew up!

All right, you fuckers, this is on the record. Say something pithy.

Andrew: Talk About Chinatown’¦ the neighbourhood or the movie…

Noel: Jack Nicholson is neither Chinese, nor a man.

All: [general astonishment]

Noel: No I love Jack, he’s a man.

Andrew: You ignorant pigfucker. You fuck!

Update! Action makes rocked by Strife. Band carping at one another endlessly. 

Andrew: Yeah! I went and saw the band Strife and they fucking rocked.

Brian: I saw the band… I saw the band Carping At One Another and they were pretty good too.

Noel: I once threw carp at a band, but they kept coming back.

Andrew: If find… I find that that’s the worst part. That’s what pisses me off the most! He IS a good guy underneath all that. I feel bad hating him. but it’s just that he’s so removed from…

Marisa: [belch]

Andrew: Exactly.

[laughter, shouts and general mayhem]

Voice 1: That’s only for decoration.

Voice 2: What the fuck is going on?

Voice 1: We’re on the fucking road?

[laughter]

Voice 2: That’s the best.

Voice 1: That’s for the [unintelligible] they should make some breakfast anyway.

Voice 3: What are you doing with that honey?

Voice 4: What is it? We need to get a good hash hookup.

Voice 2: Yeah? Maybe I should start running ounces of hash. Wait this shouldn’t be on tape-

Clint: I really, really, really don’t know what to say about them. That’s kind of like a hit at them, but…

What are they?

Clint: They’re a band. That’s my quote, “I really, really, really, really, really don’t know what to say about them.”

Noel: Come on man, ask this guy what he thinks!

What do you think about Action Makes? 

Mike (random drunk): Action Mikes?

Action Makes.

Mike: Action Makes, what is an action make? A type of shoe? A shoe? It’s got great arch support to it. It’s not a great tasting hamburger, but we make a lot of them.

I only need 700 words. Keep going. 

Mike: If they were communists, he’d be Stalin, you’d be Lenin and he’d be Trotsky.

[cheering]

Unknown Voice: Mike, if Action Makes were a brand of communism, would they be Maoism, Leninism or Cuban Communism?

Mike: Mao.

Action Makes is against religion. I’ll get it out! 

Andrew: We won’t deny that!

Clint: And gays!

Andrew: We view Tibet as part of our territory.

What does Action Makes think about racism?

Stoeton: We’re against it.

[laughter]

Clint: That’s not funny. Fuck you all for laughing.

What would be a funny answer to that?

Clint: Kicking Mike’s daughter in the chin.

[More laughter]

Clint: Mike, when you’re not being a racist douche bag, you’re an alright guy.

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    By: wavelength

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